Last blog post

First of all, I don't consider myself a blogger. This is primarily because I'm not socially active within the online blogging community. Sure, I've got blogging friends, but their participation is far more regular and deliberate than mine. This is a bit of a role-reversal for me, since I'm a very social creature personally. But this does not translate in the online world. Unfortunately, my online persona MUST ensure my personal anonymity. Yes, I know that many bloggers are anonymous and VERY social, but my personal cloak of secrecy protects my livelihood, and I fear that sometimes I've crossed the line in my stories of "Life in the Big Box."

So, with this post, I bid all (5 or 6) of my readers adieu. However, with this ending comes a sort of beginning. Although tales of my personal (and thus professional) life will end here, my commentary on all things "Web 2.0" will continue. Underground Media: Reloaded has officially launched, and I think there will be some good things down the pipe. UM was previously a podcast that I did with my good buddy Wxman. UM: Reloaded will be a blog with running commentary on peer2peer, downloading, social networking, broadcatching, podcasting, new techie gadgets, open source, and probably some other stuff. It will also contain links to the new Underground Media podcast. The new podcast will be MUCH more brief (10 minutes), and will feature my weekly updates along with semi-regular commentary from Wxman. The blog should be active if you're reading this, but probably not quite finished yet. Let me know what you guys think!

Signing off....

--Akshun J

P.S.

I MAY still update this blog. OCCASIONALLY! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it...

OSCARS!!!

We're off to Oscar night with Richmond and Wxman! I missed this event last year due to my hectic work schedule. But now that *I* make the schedule, I made certain that I would be attending this year. Wine, food, friends, hot actresses wearing next to nothing. What more can you ask for? My early favorite is The Departed for Best Picture, and Children of Men for Best Original Screenplay. If these don't happen, I'm staging a protest. Also, that last Will Smith flick should win something. Everyone said it was pretty awesome. Updates later on!!!

CARNIVAL!!!

Suffice to say that it was a GREAT weekend! Our Brazilian friends took us out for Carnival (Madison's version, at least), and even though I didn't have any time off, I STILL went out.

Yeah, a real hardship. Tons of hot Brazilian women wearing next to nothing who greeted me by KISSING me!!! Yes, KISSING! It was AWESOME! Our friends decided to dress up my scientist wife for the occasion. So, she walks out wearing a bikini halter top (baring the midrift) and low-rise jeans! I swear I felt like I was cheating she was soooo hot that night. I love debauchery! I love women! I love BRAZIL!!!



Yeah, it was kind of like that...

The BEST retail tales! - Part 1

As promised, here is part one of my favorite holiday retail stories. Okay, so this first one is post-holiday. It doesn't make it any less funny.

A couple of weeks ago, one my customer services reps comes running up to the manager's bridge.
She's all big-eyed and out of breath. BIG overreactor, this one.

S: Dude, someone's unwrapping stuff in the women's bathroom!

Me: (tiredly) You sure it's not a tampon or something...

S: SERIOUSLY! They're STEALING something. RIGHT NOW!

Me: (a little more seriously) What do you think it is?

S: I don't know, but I'll go back and find out if you want.

Me: (Finally realizing that something serious was going on) Go, and I'll let LP know.

So, she goes back to the bathroom and returns to the LP stand with TONS of empty CD and DVD wrappers. But our perp had gotten away. We were all pissed. A blatant thief in our midst, but we hadn't moved fast enough. As the night wore on, S would not let the issue go.

S: Can we call the police and give them her description? I saw her! I really did! And she was STEALING! From US!

Me: No, S. We don't have her on camera, and you didn't catch her in the act.

S: What if she comes in again? Can we just arrest her?

Me: No, S. And she'd never be stupid enough to come back in.

Or so we THOUGHT.

The next morning I came in to find that S had asked our product manager to show the video of our perp to EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE in the hopes that she would show up in the store again so we could bust her. Well, at least everyone knows what she looks like, I thought. But she'd be nuts to show up again.

Three hours later, I was walking the floor with R, our sales manager. Suddenly R's head whipped around to the right and I was almost choked by the cloud of whirling blond hair.

R: That's HER!

Me: Who?

R: HER! The....the....lady. The....thief.

Me: From last night?

R: YESSSSSS!

Me: How do YOU know, you weren't even...

R: I saw the video this morning! I remember because she looked so......plain. Mid-40's, white, female, plain clothes...

Me: Oh. Oh sh*t! Let's get moving!

So we broke into teams. One tracked her from the monitor at the LP desk, and the other followed her unobtrusively through the store. We watched her LITERALLY FILLING her bag with dozens of CD's and DVD's. She was just grabbing items at random and STUFFING them in her bag! It was almost surreal. The cops arrived as she was making her way into the bathroom. She just walked to the door, looked both ways, and entered. This lady had a pair of brass ones! The cops (three of them) surrounded the bathroom and waited for her to come out. Waited 30 MINUTES!!! R and S were both looking at the monitor at one point and S asked, "What the hell is taking her so long?" "She's got to unwrap over 40 items and then stash them back in her bag. That's at least an hour job," I replied. It still was rather surreal to me. After a few more minutes, the police busted in, cuffed her, and walked her to our security office. After a while, they asked me to come in.

Cop: We need an exact account of what she stole. A receipt.

Me: Okay. Just put everything in this basket and I'll ring it up.

Cop: (Starts to put items in the basket)

Crazy Thief Lady: Are you the general manager?

Me: (SIGH) Yes.

Crazy Thief Lady: PLEASE don't press charges! I'm sick! I'll NEVER do this again.

Me: (to the cops) Is this everything?

Crazy Thief Lady: PLEASE! I'll do ANYTHING!

Me: (to the cops, again) Is this everything?

Crazy Thief Lady: PLEASE! PLEASE! I'll do anything. I can help you!

Me: (to the cops, for the final time before I walked out) Is this EVERYTHING?

Crazy Thief Lady: I can help you! I can. I help people.

Me: (staring a hole through the cop who was sifting through cellophane)

Crazy Thief Lady: I've helped BLACK people! PLEASE!!!

Me: (my head jerked up to face her, and the room fell silent. Dumbfounded, I responded in my best Scooby Doo voice) Rooumph?!

Ahhhh, a great night.... AND great movies!

After working six-day weeks for the last two weeks and coming through a killer holiday season, I finally have two days off in a row. I downloaded some movies, poured some wine, and wrapped my arms around my sweetie for a true movie night. And it was EXCELLENT. -20 degrees outside, but inside with our space heater and blankets, we were snug as bugs. These are the days I live for. Or work for. Or both.

Anyways, on to the movies. To start, I'd like to thank the good people over at MovieX for hosting some QUALITY movie torrents. Notice that I said they hosted torrents, NOT actual movie files. That's the beauty of P2P. No one's really responsible for anything! It's awesome! As a side-note, if the MPAA doesn't find a way to deliver cheap broadband content without all the DRM bullsh*t, they are going to find themselves in much the same boat as the music industry REALLY soon. Bittorrent is just about at the level where non-geeks are willing to try it. Remember Napster? When the non-geeks embraced it, there was no putting the genie back in the bottle. But, I digress...

First up is Pan's Labyrinth from the creative mind of Guillermo Del Toro.



Del Toro's body of work as a director is not particularly impressive. Mimic (giant bugs), The Devil's Backbone (WWII Spanish ghosts), Blade II (pure nonsense), and Hellboy (mildly interesting). He's always seemed to me as if he's just about to peak with his next movie. And Pan's Labyrinth is this movie. Like the Devil's Backbone (which was previously my favorite movie of his), Pan's Labyrinth is also set in Franco's fascist Spain. A little girl who's obsessed with fantasy books is pulled into a entire fantasy world. But all's not cupcakes and sunshine for our heroine. Her world is VERY dark. Almost as dark as her crumbling real life. I understand that it's nominated for a crapload of academy awards, as it should be for EXCELLENT cinematography, a wonderfully original script, and great acting. Maybe not for the younger kids, but 12 or so and up should be okay. But, remember that I don't have kids and I might be a sh*tty judge of this stuff.

Next flick up is The Prestige. You see, there are three acts to any magic trick.
The Pledge - The magician shows the audience something ordinary.
The Turn - The magician does something extraordinary to the ordinary thing.
The Prestige - The magician brings back the ordinary thing and shows the audience that everyone's safe and sound.



Or some such thing. This is Hugh Jackman (aka Wolverine) and Christian Bale (aka Batman) starring in Chris Nolan's best flick to date. It's a thinker with sooo many twists and turns that we had to pause the movie every few minutes to discuss what just happened! And since it was a Chris Nolan film, all the scenes were COMPLETELY out of order. I LOVE movies like this! Did I mention that Scarlett Johannson (and her ample cleavage) was in it? Seriously, she is phenomenal. But that's another discussion. The movie was great, but it moved in at the bottom of my top ten list when it introduced Nikola Tesla as a character integral to the story. I have been fascinated by Tesla ever since I saw a Tesla Coil at the Griffith Observatory.



I can virtually recite his entire life story. You may not have heard of him, but every time you turn on a light or plug in an appliance, he should be remembered just as quickly as Edison. It's a fascinating story, and it was great to see his character in the Prestige. Tesla died penniless and insane, and the movie alludes to the fact that he is aware that his obsession will ultimately drive him over the edge. If you're in the mood for a really engaging thriller, or you just want to see Batman and Wolverine fight, check it out!

UPDATE: Here are two Youtube videos showcasing Scarlett's phenomenal rack!



Here' my favorite. I think this guy is gay so he gets a free squeeze pass.

Google Earth is the coolest...

What is Google Earth? Only the single coolest free program out there. Yes, I am a Google-groupie. They are a big company, but they support open standards and seem to welcome competition. As much as anyone is capable of welcoming competition, but let's just say they're no Microsoft.

About a year ago, I downloaded the linux version. VERY impressive. I could find the house I grew up in. I played with it for a few weeks, but ultimately got bored and forgot about it. Recently a new version came out, so I gave it another test drive. Blown away!!! My wife's hometown of Corozal, Belize has almost perfect detail where before it was only a blurry spot!



And I'll be there in six weeks!!! With -20 degree temps in WI, THANK YOU Google Earth for a warm preview!

More Doom...

MF Doom is my new favorite artist. At least for now thanks to Last.fm. It's funny to me that the underground artists I used to listen to in high school didn't drop off the face of the earth. They just grew up and adopted different personas. For instance, Doom used to be Zev Love X from the group KMD. And to most readers, you're probably wondering who the heck KMD was. The tie-in is the group 3rd Bass. Ring a bell now? Good. 3rd Bass sort of introduced KMD. Unfortunately after one album KMD disappeared.

And then, I rediscovered MF Doom. (The MF stands for Metal Face. Read all about him. Seriously, his story is interesting.) His style is a RADICAL departure from his KMD days, but in my opinion, he's grown leaps and bounds as an artist. His beats sample everything from opera to hard rock. And his rhymes are a mash-up of 80's TV including superhero cartoons, sci-fi shows, and even some quality Sesame Street. My favorite album is his collaboration with Dangermouse, The Mouse and the Mask. It's a send-up of everything on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Hilarious! Here's another video. Love the Youtube...

Vista's coming

I haven't used Microsoft Windows at home for about six years. But, I run a Big Box retail store. So for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, I live in a Windows world. No problem. I can adapt. And I don't avoid Windows because of any hatred for Microsoft. It's just too hard for me to make Windows do EXACTLY what I want it to do. Before I started using Linux, I used to think my computer was possessed! A bunch of crap in the system tray, auto updates, spyware, adware, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! Now my computer is quite well behaved and does as it's told.

So, life in the Big Box has been quite busy with the impending release of the latest version of Windows. Vista promises............well, it promises everything. Personally, I think that's going to be the problem. But, like a good boy, I am recommending it to everyone. And I don't have a problem with this since most people need Windows. Much like the Matrix, people are not ready to understand that they are not in control of their own computer. And you can't just "unplug" them. So, until the great Free Software revolution, I'll just keep recommending Vista.

A funny article I read started me on this stream of consciousness. It's called, "10 reasons you should get Vista." The tenth reason is hilarious:

"10. Face it, you have no choice - When Microsoft brings out a major renovation to Windows, you can choose to ignore it for a year or two, but then the device drivers start drying up for older versions of Windows, your friends start asking questions about their new PC that you can't answer, and even if you use Linux, you'll inevitably need familiarity with Microsoft's latest interoperability blockers. Face it: your arse belongs to Redmond."

Ain't it the truth...